Do you suffer from Restless-Foot-in-Mouth Syndrome?

Have you ever had moments where you feel so completely and painfully awkward, where you do and/or say something so stoopid that afterwards you berate yourself outloud shaking your head and going, ‘Really? Did you really just do that? Oh my gosh, you are such an idiot, what is wrong with you?’…? Well, I have done that so often that now the conversation with myself goes more like, ‘Ha, that was a funny one. Of course you just did that. Oh Melanie you slay me sometimes…’.

Well, here are a few doozies for you all to enjoy. And you wonder why kaleo calls me “Little Tomato”:

* As you know, we moved to Oceanside recently, which we love. The diversity, the sense of community, the beach, the funky little cafes, and …our friendly neighborhood working girls. One such lady of the evening happens to live/work on or somewhere near our street. She is very nice and always smiles and says hi and makes small talk while walking to her friend’s housevan down the block. This morning, our small-talk-mini-conversational-nicety went something like this:

Me: Hi.

Her: Hi there, how are you?

Me: Good, and you?

Her: Oh, can’t complain. No one will listen, haha. Are you enjoying this weather?

Me: Oh yeah, and you?

Her: Sure, sure. It’s nice out. I just love it when it’s sunny but cool. Are you heading out to work?

Me: Yep, and you?

(long dramatic pause… and a slightly shocked look on her face which promptly turned to a BIG smile)

Her: Uh… yeah Hun, I sure am. I better get back to the office. (as she turns around and saunters down the sidewalk)

Ugh, Awkward!!

* Sometimes in yoga class bodily things happen. Yes I am speaking of farts. Passing gas. Breaking wind. We just pay no mind, it’s all natural, moving on, blah, blah. Well, I almost lost my cookies one day when I think I was the cause of the ugh, erm… release. I am usually a hands-on yoga teacher, which means that I give adjustments while the student is in a pose such as downward dog or child’s pose. One of my students was in child’s pose on this particular day and I came over and placed my hands on her back, giving a gentle massage down the spine and then using the heels of my palms to press down on her lower back to ease the hips down to the heels. As soon as I pressed on her lower back, she pooted loudly. I eased up and then applied a little more pressure which caused another poot. I didn’t want her to think that I was grossed out or anything so I did it for a third time, and yes, she answered back. Poot. Why didn’t I stop at two?? I don’t know! I guess I was morbidly curious to see if I could make her do it again. See?! I told you I was awkward! By this time, other students were sneaking peaks out of their child’s poses to see who was doing the deed, and the poor girl with the working digestive system decided to just stay in child’s pose with her head down for a while… So awkward!! (sidenote: what’s even more awkward?? The fact that I typed the word ‘poot’. What is that?!)

*  While filming for the travel show recently, I was in the back seat of Eden’s BMW with the other girls and camera 1 was in the front. I was chatting away with the girls, catching up with them since I haven’t seen them in a couple of months. I proceed to tell them all about me sort-of-half-assedly-self-diagnosing myself with Restless Leg Syndrome. I was explaining that, well, I will do it this way:

Me (to the girls): “I used to always get annoyed with those dumb commercials for Restless Leg Syndrome on TV. It’s like, ‘Come on people, just stop moving your leg! Seriously.’. But… I think I have it. No I’m serious, I really think I do, in my left leg. I bought some homeopathic medicine for it to see if it works and I even looked it up online and RLS has a nickname. Jimmy Leg. Now whenever my leg feels funny Kaleo says, Awww Jimmy Leg… . It’s so embarrassing…”

You know, I was just making conversation. Well the other day I get an email with some of the rough cuts of footage. Yep, my Jimmy Leg bit is in there for all of TV land to see. *cringe* Oh well… Just call me Jimmy.

There are many, many more. I could create an entire blog dedicated to my awkward-ness. But I figure I will just throw a few out here and there for your enjoyment. I mean, even I enjoy laughing at me. But come on, make me feel better. What are some of YOUR awkward moments? We could even showcase some on Awkward Mondays. In fact, if any of you out there want to be a guest blogger and tell me about an awkward moment for next Monday, email me at melaniewassman@me.com

Have a wonderful week!

~Melanie

UPDATE: Some awesome Awkward moments from friends and family…

Comment from ALLISON:

Here’s a great awkward moment from yours truely—apparently my SUBCONSCIOUS thinks one of the doctors I work for is super hot because every time I get around him I turn bright red and get all nervous, today when I was talking to him (while turning bright red) he informed me that I should get my thyroid levels checked out because every time he sees me I’m glistening with sweat, shaky, and bright red—In my head I’m thinking “YOU are causing this, and I dont know why”  AWKWARD….

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Bueller? … Bueller?

Ok, so I gave in. You know how I am usually all, “Me? nope, I’m not going to get sick. I’m never sick. It’s just an allergy this morning. No, I am going to WILL it away…” ?  Well, I woke up this morning and decided that I am going to just let it run its course for the day. Go ahead, cold, have your fun and be on your way. I’m not afraid. After being in the ‘corporate world’ (ok, sure it WAS the action sports industry, but still), for over 7 years, it feels really good to be able to have the luxury of just being sick. Maybe that came out wrong. What I mean is that I don’t think I ever called in sick. Ever. Seriously, folks. I would just power through because no one else was going to do my job, and I would be terribly behind, and shit would just not be ok if I didn’t go into the office, and blah, blah blah. So I would never admit when I needed to actually give in to my exhausted self and take a moment to get better.

Where am I going with this? Well yesterday I felt like I was coming down with something and I began doing the usual denial, power of positive thinking, law of attraction, whatever you want to call it. Cut to: this morning I wake up with a runny nose and felt like someone was sitting on my chest and I had swallowed an entire box of sparkly yellow Peeps. Oh how I loathe those little squishy bundles of chemically puffed yuck. Just FYI. My point is that my throat hurt really bad. Anyway, I get dressed and Kaleo and I go out on a delightful breakfast date where he proceeds to win with his order. Of course it’s not really a competition. Oh who am I trying to fool, it totally is. And he always wins! Argghhhh. At least he always lets me eat off his plate, so it’s all good. When we came back home I started to feel like I was losing my mental battle with this cold. I decided right then and there, that I could actually allow myself to just go with it. Kaleo would be leaving for the recording studio in about an hour, I could just catch up on some computer work in the comfort of my bed, and maybe even just sit out on the deck and get some much needed sunshine while drinking a ton of water and loading myself up with Wellness Formula and Vitamin C. Hmmm… It kind of sounds like a nice, relaxing time. So I changed my entire outlook from fight, fight, fight. To oh yeah, this is going to be awesome. Of course first I went into Kaleo’s studio here at home and crawled upon his lap with puppydog eyes that said, I’m sick… hug me. I had my lower lip out and everything. And yes, his hug made everything alllll better.

For the remainder of the day I did some work, napped, ate a small lunch with more Wellness Formula, napped, and took a bath. I felt like I was on a vacation! With the exception being that I felt like shit. But my day was so nice, and I felt like I was giving myself exactly what it was asking for. Why have I not thought of this sooner?? I mean, when I was a kid I saw Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and thought it was so cool. All the preparations he did in order to play hooky! ( I have never even typed that word out in my life, is that weird? Is it correct?) I think once in like the 6th grade I thought I could pull it off and held the thermometer to a lamp for a few minutes to heat it up and started coughing and making my voice all raspy and hoarse (you ALL know what I’m talking about, don’t even try to deny it). I went to tell my mom that I was sick and she looked at the thermometer (which I couldn’t read for the life of me) and her eyes got huugge. Then she looked at me and said, this is wrong, let me wash it again and re-do it. Not even questioning why I had the thermometer in my room in the first place since she always did it for me. I got all scared and almost peed my purple leggings something fierce when she said that I was totally normal. I mean, 98.6 normal. Not even a little off. Damn. My face was all red and flushed from trying to pull off the lie and she touched my cheeks with the back of her hands (I always loved that) and kissed my forehead and said, “Well you do look pretty flushed. Do you want to stay home from school?” Awwww bless her heart, she was worried about me! It worked! Whew. Eat that, Ferris! So in true Melanie fashion, I…. (drum roll please)… chickened out. I did. Yep, I know. Bring it, Kaleo, I know you are laughing at me. Just bring it. I said to my sweet mom (with a total pouty look and the best raspy sick voice EVER), “No, that’s ok. I have too much schoolwork to do.”. Ugh! I am such a loser!

Sooooo anyway. Back to my current situation. I’m thinking that I am enjoying this luxurious sick day because I was too lame to pull it off as a kid, and too responsible and productive to pull it off in my last career. Now I own my own business and I can decide what’s best for me. And you know what? I am actually feeling better as my day goes on. I think I just needed to pause for a little while and let nature run it’s course. And of course the 5 ga-zillion milligrams of vitamin C didn’t hurt either. Thanks for listening. Oh and Mom… sorry. 😉

~Melanie

“Take into consideration that you just did that.” ~the p90x guy

Hey there! I’m not even going to apologize for the late posts anymore because I sound like a broken record. So, Bloggie Blog, My Little Blogolicious, I guess I’m not sorry. I do think about you all the time, and wish I had more time to give you … But the truth is, I kind of don’t. I mean, we can totally hang out and write if I don’t have a better offer like dinner with my husband, or a yoga class. But seriously, it’s not you, it’s me. And NO, I do not have another blog, I swear. Still friends? Ok moving along..

Most of you by now have either: 1) talked to me over the phone to hear all about my Adventure in SB or 2) Seen me in person and noticed the huuuuge bruises and scratches up and down my arms. I will get right to it and show some long-promised photos.

This is me practicing on the ground, actual LAND, until the instructors deemed me ready to launch off the MOUNTAIN. You heard me.

Still practicing, yes. Still not ready, nope. This is why all of our arms are bruised and tore up. We had to run forward while trying to lift the parachute off the ground while the straps were up and down our arms and pulling us backwards. I was running in place at one point. Sure, they tell you to wear long sleeves, but it was hot and we were on camera and the tank tops looked cuter, and blah, blah blah.

Behind the instructor you see Camera 1. Behind him you see, oh I don’t know, the edge??

Way down there is where we were to land. You can kind of see Camera 2 if you look really really hard. He’s a speck on the grass.

Kim and I contemplating our first jump. Sorry, LAUNCH. They don’t call it jumping. And by “they”, I mean this group of people called Paragliders that do this sort of thing all over the world. Which, by the way, we are now card holding pilots. Mmm-Hmm.

Kim’s first launch! She is still on the slope before it drops off, literally under your feet. You are supposed to keep running in case you touch down before the edge other wise you might be dragged. I kept running until the instructor calmly said to me via the walkie-talkie strapped to my chest, “Ok Melanie, you’re doing great. You can stop running now and relax because you are 250 feet in the air.” Ha! Smart Ass.

Not one of my finer moments of the day… I neglected to ‘keep running’ and a gust of wind blew me and my parachute to the right and I was being dragged butt first. Don’t you love how everyone looks so concerned? It’s ok, guys, I’m wearing a helmet!

And lift-off…! The feeling was so incredible when the Earth just gave way and I was totally flying.

So when you are up there you never want it to end. Each flight only lasts up to a minute. You do your S-turns and maneuver yourself right over the landing area. They say to aim for the big cones that they have down there. Of course Eden took him literally and landed RIGHT on the cone. Very accurate landing in our book. I mean, he could have said, Aim for the cone but don’t hit it, or Aim for the cone and land to the right of it, you know? It was such a great experience, and I am so grateful to Eden and GGG! I will totally do this again. Maybe in Brazil? Count me in. The guys that run it happen to be Pepper fans, (what, what?) and I am looking forward to bringing Kaleo and the boys up there the next time we are in Santa Barbara for a show.

Me and Eden on the beach at sunset after our fun, but exhausting day.

Aww, I miss you girls already. Where to next??